To Colleagues I’ll Never Have, With Sincerest Irony (first letter)

 

Dear Professionals,
Thank you so very much for meeting with me again regarding my attempts to integrate, compete and be admired by all of you at the expense of countless losers intentionally relegated to obscurity.  Our process neared a stand-still as we struggled with reality (the grave disconnection between what our work is purportedly concerned with, how we operate and what we inflict), an innate sense of justice, and empathy for other people.  At least you’ve managed to make me feel as though I’m not alone in this (in fact, it is now clear to me that we will always partner in everything moving forward — we will be each other’s friends, lovers and family – when not alone we’ll be together). I greatly appreciate your assistance despite the impasses and stress that cognitive dissonance can impose, and I look forward to implementing many of your informed suggestions toward preventing these and other related issues from ever entering my consciousness, or our joint future, again.
Thanks to your self-interested contributions, my current efforts will see results well before the deadlines commonly imposed within the ongoing totality of capitalist relations, while strengthening the effectivity of your own hard-won networks and socially affirmed self-importance.
I appreciate the time you’ve taken out of your busy schedules to speak with me.  I’m flattered to know your involvement is of pre-emptive strategic value in realizing your own ambitions and sustained career health.  Together we will fortify and build upon the constructs legitimizing our shared specialization.
I look forward to repeatedly being asked what I’ve been up to lately and asking others the same.  I look forward to telling people what I’ve been up to whether they’ve asked me to or not.  I look forward to instilling productivity anxieties in those who wish to join us and remain.  I really do.
I’ll be sure to send you a follow-up when this first phase of my submission is complete. Please let me know when and how I must return the gifts you’ve already bestowed upon me.  Frankly, the not-knowing here is killing me, but of course you already know this.
Again, my deepest thanks for your invaluable commitment to our mutually assured success,
jeremy