To My Final Not Sent Efforts (first and last letter as Krapp)

Dearest Relief!
I’ve just been reading that stupid bastard I took myself for just one or five or ten years ago (hard to believe I was ever as bad as that). Thank God it’s all done now with you anyway, don’t you think?  Everything there, here, behind you, everything…  Everything there, everything on this old muckball, all the light and dark and famine and feasting! Yes! Let’s let that go! Holy crap! We’ll finally take our minds off this homework! YIKES!
Ah well, maybe I was right once. Pah! Nothing to say, not a squeak… What’s a decade now?  I’ve rejoiced in the words NOT SENT. NOOOOOT SSSSSSENTTT! Happiest moments of the past gazillion…  Crawled out once or twice, before the summer was cold. Sat shivering in the park, drowned in dreams and burning to be gone. Not a soul. Last fancies. Keep ‘em under! Scalded the eyes out of me reading again, a page a day, scrolled on the screen, with tears again.
There’s all those letters that are really about something else…  Could have been happy with her, up here, and the obscurity, and the autonomy. Could I? And she? Pah! Maybe she came in a couple of times. Bony old ghost of a whore… Can’t do much, but I suppose this is better than a kick in the crutch. She’s wondered how I’ve managed.   I still say I’ve been saving up for her all my life.
Crow’s feet are ingrained on my face
And I’m living too late
Try to wash the black off my face but it’s ingrained
And I’m living too late
I’ve gone to sleep and fallen off the page, over the laptop. Sometimes wonder in the night if a last effort mightn’t…  Ah finish your booze now and get to your bed. Go on with this drivel in the morning. Or leave it at that. Leave it at that. Lie propped up in the dark and wander. And so on. Be again.  Be again.  All that old misery…  Once isn’t enough for you.  The end must continue.
jeremy